just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
