she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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