I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
