i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
