I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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