I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
