happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
