Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
