Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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