You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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