you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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