I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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