I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
