just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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