he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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