I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
