If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize