Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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