if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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