At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Two words: nipple clamps
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