nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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