mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
