Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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