3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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