you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
