You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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