So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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