some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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