i would punch a child for taco bell
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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