i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
