I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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