Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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