this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
