got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
