she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
