you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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