Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
