Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
