i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
