I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
there was a trapeze. enough said
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We are two peas in an std pod
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
