I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm at about main and main street
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
