My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sext me about skeletons
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
