so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize