Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
