There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
