i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
