your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize