I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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