Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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