Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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