While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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