I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
