I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
