He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
