since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's never too late to be topless.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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