On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
