"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
