It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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